9.21.2005

sad mommy today :(

This one:

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is the cause of my sadness today. You know how I've been whining about nursing for awhile now...how in the months leading up to his first birthday I would tell him: "only 2 more months of this...only 3 more weeks of this...only 6 more days of this" as I was nursing him. He was a HARD nurser - Jake was so easy. Jake was a lot harder to "train" in the beginning but once he got the hang of it, it was such an easy, relaxed, comfortable affair. Zack picked it up in no time flat but it was often a struggle and he was a BITER! Again, the biting was easy to curb with Jake but Zack was much more stubborn.

So, despite looking forward to weaning Z...I felt a little guilty that I nursed Jake for 18 months (one day short, actually.) And I probably would have nursed Jake even a bit longer had I not been 3 months pregnant with Zack, lol. We were down to 2 feedings a day about 2 months ago and down to just a morning feeding for the past month or so. I kind of clinged to that morning feeding even past his first birthday since he was still relatively groggy (at 6 am, who isn't??) So, he didn't put up as much of a fight and we both often got another 30 minutes of sleep.

Yesterday though, for whatever reason, Carlos was up early. So, when Zack woke up, Carlos got him out of his crib and I kept sleeping...no nursing yesterday. I figured this was the best time to make the break from the nursing cycle so today, when he woke up, I took him from his crib directly to his high chair. And honestly, I'm not even sure he noticed that we skipped the nursing.

That must be the part that hurts the most :( That he didn't even really care that we skipped that "us" time. That was my last "only me" tie to him...the last need only *I* could fulfill.

Feel like I'm blowing this up to more than it should be, but I remember feeling the same way with Jake...glad that I wasn't tied to that routine anymore but sad that my baby doesn't need me for *that* part of his day anymore. I know that they both still need me in more ways than I could ever list but still, every step of the way they are growing up more and more and becoming more independent.

This post is less than coherent but felt like being sappy this morning I guess. Sorry for the rambling and not-too-prosaic words...hug your babies tight today.

17 comments:

  1. melanie8:03 AM

    Oh Erica. I can so relate to how you're feeling. I nursed Noah for a LONG time ( won't even tell you how long, lol!)and finally it was me who had to cut that cord- he wouldn't do it himself. Part of me really wanted to end it, and another part wanted to keep that closeness forever. It was so sad for me too... like babyhood was officially over, kwim? hang in there.. those blues won't last long, promise.

    mel

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  2. Oh Erica! I felt the EXACT same way when Jenna stopped nursing (1 week before her first birthday). It was so hard. I was sad, but I was happy too...finally had my chest back to myself! However, she acted like Z, like it didn't bother her one bit! That really made me sad. I completely understand where you are coming from girl! Hang in there!

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  3. what a little cutie he is!
    sometimes we wish we could just stop time! i hate to see them grow up so quickly!

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  4. hugs to you, chica. that Z is such a cutie. :)

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  5. Big hugs! I know the feeling well. I recently weaned baby #3 at 18 mos. and it was even more difficult because I knew he was my last. The transition was super easy for him, but I was holding on for *me*. Luckily he's the cuddliest of my 3. And I'm finally starting to recognize my body again :)

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  6. E- I can totally relate. Alex nursed until just about 15 months (she was down to once a day) and SHE was the one to stop it. Just pushed it away one night and said "No, don't want" and went to sleep on her own...I had really wanted her to stop anyway because she (like Z) is a biter and she thought it was funny to bite...but it hit hard when she just stopped. I still to this day am suprised at how that memory still hurts...
    {hugs}

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  7. Sadly, he'll still be chained to you for life. :) A LOT of moms feel this way, and I've even had friends complain of postpartum depression setting in after the nursing has stopped. Do something for YOU, think of all the $$ you've said nursing. :)

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  8. oh...this just breaks my heart. it's such special, emotional, deep time spent with your baby...can totally understand your sadness today...

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  9. Maureen12:30 PM

    Hey E.....not the same thing but I am having feelings similiar because of J potty training, moving into a big boy bed....just really sad over him growing up too fast for mommy! gosh...he's 3? where the heck did the time go?
    Hugs to you my sweet friend!!

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  10. awww...such a sweet post. I can't believe how big the "babies" are getting....lets just think of it this way...Think of how many cool things we get to do with them!!

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  11. Aww, your post almost brought tears to my eyes. I think every nursing mom feels that way, it is so hard to let go of that bond, and the special time you spend together. Maybe you could still do something special together in the morning in place of the nursing...

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  12. Oh E...I'm so sad for you. I know how special this part of our relationship with our kiddos is, and it's sad to say goodbye to that special time. *hugs* to you.

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  13. Awwwww, E, our babies grow up too quickly, don't they? Harper had a hard time getting the hang of it, too. Little scamp just wanted to torture her mama, I think...love the photo, by the way!

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  14. Hugs to you, Erica. I felt the same way - how could they NOT miss that and need me? Know that he will always need you - just in different ways now, kwim? :)

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  15. I remember that feeling of the last time - so bittersweet! They grow up too fast! Hugs girl!

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  16. OMG Erica he is SO big! Just found your blog...I am sure I have seen it before but I didn't bookmark it but have know! How time flies! ;)

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  17. Gillian1:14 AM

    I'm so sorry, E. :( I know how you feel, to a point. I wasn't able to nurse any of my babies for very long, but when I finally made the break from breast to bottle, I grieved a bit. The whole nursing process was never, ever easy for me, and it was honestly probably a huge physical relief, but emotionally, I grieved. So I may not have shared your longevity, but I do know the sadness. :(

    g

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